Thursday, October 11, 2012
Life is so frickin complex
So much has changed.
I'm...in a conflicted state. Life has hit me so quickly. I graduate in two months, two days to...nothing. No job offers, no apartment. Nothing. When did all the hard work I put into my future have a reward of nothing? All I can say college has given me lately is stress, drama and headache. Nah, I can't lie. College has done more for me. I got to the chance to figure out what truly makes me happy like mentoring and helping people. I also got a chance to deal with my issues when it comes to relationships.
I'm just concerned.
I don't want to go home because mentally, I've outgrown that. But I can't go anywhere else because I have no money nor a job. I've been applying everywhere but it seems I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to actually being a productive brown skinned woman in society. All society sees is negatives which...makes no sense to me. I'm not pregnant, not in trouble with the law and I'm intelligent. I'm not okay with this.
Maybe I'm right to figure out the goals I want.
I'm thinking about getting my masters in Social Work with a concentration in substance abuse counseling and possibly getting my Ph.D in education so I can open my own school. My school to focus on worldwide history as well as culture and knowledge to make my students competitive on a worldwide scale and not just on a national level. To do this though, I need money. Which means job. Which means someone willing to take a chance on me. I'm just ready for all the rest of this to be shown.
My faith is waning.
This is my main problem. Why is it that God allows people who don't care about Him to prosper while I flounder? Maybe I'm tripping and this is all a test which wouldn't surprise me. I'm just tired of being tested. I'm tired of people assuming my Blackness is based on dumb things like pledging a Greek org which is stupid. Why is my identity tied to an org that doesn't care about me in the long run? I'm tired of dealing with people who assume womanhood is tied to my vagina. It's not. I can be a woman without giving every Tom, Dick and Harry the pleasure of my vagina. I don't have to be a ho and risk my future over nothings. I'm just over the complexities of life.