For as long as I've posted, I don't ever think I've thought of this question. To myself, I'm simply Candace Alesia'. Smartass, smart, funny, genuine, caring, passionate, crazy, wild, lover of arts. I don't see myself in terms of Democratic or Republican, Black or white, natural, relaxed, etc. I CAN'T deal with myself in terms like that. How do we live in a world that makes us see each other in such terms?
I wonder a lot about religion. I believe in God but does that make me a Christian? If I do, does that mean I condemn others who don't believe in what I do or love how I love? I just wonder....if we say God and Jesus are love, how can we kill in the name of God? How in the world can we live in a world where we condemn people who love the same gender but let child molesters or pedophiles walk the Earth with not convictions? I just don't get it.
I worry about the future that my nieces will inherit as well as what I'm going to receive when I graduate. How is it that I can't find a job but all these people out here can smoke and drink and lie and have great jobs? I just wonder.
I wonder why I have to be a Greek member of the Elite Eight because Iotas get no love? I'm not trying to conform to someone else ideals of what a woman or a lady is just to not know or personally have a relationship with my Sohors (NOT sisters) just to have an advantage in the end.
In short, I am a woman, a sister, a aunt, a daughter, someone's future wife, an intelligent young lady striving for Christ. I am also Candace Alesia' M. & I will be until I die.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
So much has changed.
I'm...in a conflicted state. Life has hit me so quickly. I graduate in two months, two days to...nothing. No job offers, no apartment. Nothing. When did all the hard work I put into my future have a reward of nothing? All I can say college has given me lately is stress, drama and headache. Nah, I can't lie. College has done more for me. I got to the chance to figure out what truly makes me happy like mentoring and helping people. I also got a chance to deal with my issues when it comes to relationships.
I'm just concerned.
I don't want to go home because mentally, I've outgrown that. But I can't go anywhere else because I have no money nor a job. I've been applying everywhere but it seems I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to actually being a productive brown skinned woman in society. All society sees is negatives which...makes no sense to me. I'm not pregnant, not in trouble with the law and I'm intelligent. I'm not okay with this.
Maybe I'm right to figure out the goals I want.
I'm thinking about getting my masters in Social Work with a concentration in substance abuse counseling and possibly getting my Ph.D in education so I can open my own school. My school to focus on worldwide history as well as culture and knowledge to make my students competitive on a worldwide scale and not just on a national level. To do this though, I need money. Which means job. Which means someone willing to take a chance on me. I'm just ready for all the rest of this to be shown.
My faith is waning.
This is my main problem. Why is it that God allows people who don't care about Him to prosper while I flounder? Maybe I'm tripping and this is all a test which wouldn't surprise me. I'm just tired of being tested. I'm tired of people assuming my Blackness is based on dumb things like pledging a Greek org which is stupid. Why is my identity tied to an org that doesn't care about me in the long run? I'm tired of dealing with people who assume womanhood is tied to my vagina. It's not. I can be a woman without giving every Tom, Dick and Harry the pleasure of my vagina. I don't have to be a ho and risk my future over nothings. I'm just over the complexities of life.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I really love my hair. I do. But honestly, I'm over having to style it and it seems to be stuck at an awkward length. It's such a bother to have to constantly do and detangle and figure out. UGH!!! Maybe I've outgrown my natural hair and need a break from it for a while. Like a long while. Maybe a weave, wig or braids or something. It just has to be nice to keep a professional look while I'm job hunting. I....just...don't know.