I bacccckkkk!

Ok so I've been busy with school. Like crazy busy studying, reading etc all in the quest of getting great grades. And the little bit of free time I have is for my friends, tumblr, boyfriend, twitter or something. It's like ugh! I so tired. :( But it's ok. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. I'm getting my priorities back in order though so I'm happy.
Yes my hair suffered for this crazy lifestyle I live but aye, it's growing back even though I have weird growth to begin with. It's it straight tho b/c I'm getting better and I'm doing a hair challenge so it'll get better. I still hate water though (I have to drink a lot now to be in this challenge :()
But yeah, this boyfriend character. Nope, not Skittles, July or anybody else. He's my Fattie (yes, I'm aware how crazy my nicknames for these guys are!)

gotta <3 it lol. 

Ci

Rules for respect pt 1

So as I recap the bday weekend, I've realized a few things.
Dudes who want p u  s s y will NOT hit you up on your birthday if they aren't around you because they sense it's pointelss.
Case 1, dude who was supposed to be my birthday date, got stuck home and in the end, didn't even text me to say happy birthday. But if he had gotten down here, he would've def been like, "Happy birthday boo!"
Case 2, a dude who likes me but who I find like intensely revolting, hit me up asking me to stay the night after I made a tweet about my hormones being fucked up. Like dude, I don't wanna be around you. Your voice annoys me and your face? Makes me wanna drink to see if you look better. I know that's mean but it's true.
But in both of these cases, I've put myself out there like that. I mean, I told old dude to be my bday date so I guess he thought it was gonna pop off and I stayed w/ dude in case 2 b/c I was bored. If I want a dude to respect me, I gotta let em know from the get go, it ain't like that. I thought I did but I guess I hadn't. But here's a few rules about respecting a female.
1. Don't treat her like an offbrand bitch that you only wanna fuck. If you like her, treat her with respect.
2. If she says she wants to take it slow, do not play w/ her while she sleep. She will punch you in her "sleep".
3. Any calls to stay after 11 pm are for booty calls. We are not stupid. We know this.
4. Think about this: treat a female like you'd want your mom, sister, niece, fav cousin, etc treated b/c if you don't, KARMA!
5. Be honest
6. If you're honest w/ a female and it doesn't work out, 99% of the time, y'all will be the best of friends b/c she'll appreciate you.
That's it for now. & yes, I'll be updating it soon.
Ci

Wifey Type

My view on relationships.
Ok, first things first: if we're talking, we're basically together so why go talking to other females? Yeah, you knew I wasn't enough. If you have an issue w/ how I am, then tell me. Don't "take time" & it only end w/ u talking to someone else b/c you knew you were doing that the whole time. If you just wanna be friends, just be friends and don't let it go any further.
If you're in a relationship, there's no need to advertise your relationship on social networks b/c that'll wreck it. I mean saying wifey and hubby every two weeks to a new dude or girl is lame and annoying. Plus it makes you look like a ho or a dumbass.
In short, a relationship is between two people or if you take it global, use nicknames b/c otherwise, it'll just blow up.
Also, the wifey type. A wifey is that chick that'll go to hell and back for you no matter what. She is your ride or die & supports you when everyone else, walks out on you. She loves you for you no matter what has happened, will happen and may happen and she prays you up to receive your blessings b/c she knows when you're blessed, she's blessed & while ya'll may not stay together forever, she'll still love you.
Ci

Left in the dust

He said he loved me
But at the first sign of a true test,
he ran so fast, the words
skid marks couldn't describe how he left my heart.
And now?
Now, it's supposed to be all ok because aye,
I'm supposed to forgive and forget and move on.
Now hold up!
When did he get me now confused with me then?
Cuz the ride or die chick he left stuck on stupid,
uh, she don't live here anymore
He's just one more in the dust.
He said he needed me.
Life without me wasn't complete and that the wifey type was what he needed.
Nah, bruh, what you needed was someone to care of you and that...ain't me.
Who am I to tell you wtf to do with your life?
I haven't figured my damn self out so how am I supposed to know you?
Put down ya excuses and the fact you slang for a living.
Pick up a book and let ya past go cuz it ain't worth it
Wondering how life coulda been, looking thru cell bars.
Another one left in the dust.
He said he wanted all of me
And then wondered why I laughed and said he'd be gone by layer two.
Baby, I'm complex and the words booby trapped?
They were made to describe my heart.
So now I'm here trying to hide how I feel with my friends
Pitying me which I fucking hate.
I shoulda stuck to how I wanted it to be
A mild flirtation on twitter.
3 cases of someone left in the dust but most importantly,
3 cases of a heart that refuses to give a fuck cause it's simpler not to.
Crazy right?

Random thoughts

I don't understand why I can't get this person outta my mind. Like I'd love to never think about him again but it's like I can't & I fucking hate it. I just don't know what I wanna do about this anymore cause there's dudes out here that would like me for who I am but honestly, they ain't who I want.
Confused,
Ci

Cici's back!

Life is crazy.

Let’s see. First off happy belated New Year to everybody. I’ve been MIA b/c the house computer hates me and I live in the boonies so no wifi so I’ve been sadly without my lovely Internet and my blogs. I’ll prolly be back in school by the time I post this so let’s get a quick catch up.

First up, my worst fear (of like 2 years lol) of my cousin and my ex fucking and dating was true. It’s crazy cause like if either one had bothered to tell me, I coulda let go hella faster rather than having to look at two people I love like fuck me over. But now, I really could give two fucks cause there was never a need to lie.

Second, apparently, my bestie and I are marked for like a damn threesome cause whenever I come home, dudes are trying smash us both. Neither of us like to share & I’m still a virgin so that’d be weird as hell lol. But nice tries my dudes!

Third, Skittles and I aren’t talking like that anymore. I’m a complex person that I guess most people can’t deal with and they need simpler and I’m not simple. Like I can try as hard as I want and change for a minute but then I’m gonna go back to doing me cause I can’t live a lie. I mean, lately, it’s been harder than ever to just let go but I have to. No way around it. I think it’s lying up late at night and thinking about convos we had or him coming to surprise me and make me feel better. I’ll miss it but aye, we both need to be happy.

Fourth, the Twitter group I was in? Not anymore! I wanted to leave for like 2 weeks before I stopped repping as hard as I was. I just wasn’t feeling being mean to random people anymore or being called a ho or w/e. I mean, I can be a bitch but only to those who deserve it. That’s just how I am.

I’ll be natural for a year on the 10^th! Yay!

As for this new year, I guess it’s time to make some changes. I mean, I can’t deal with basic bitches anymore cause I don’t have patience anymore. Fakeness, bullshit, drama, etc all of it can stay on TV and leave me the hell alone! I’m bout to be 20 fucking years old and I can’t keep dealing with shit like a 16 year old would. So here’s my toast to this year: let there be happiness, great times, awesome people, love, romance and just general ups moreso than downs this year. Let it be as awesome and great as it can be because one way or another, it’s gotta be.

Love and peace,

Ci

Stuck in the middle....without you

I'm stuck in hell.
Really there's nothing to do here back in the 252 and I'm here til Jan 8th. SOOOO ready to leave. It's like everybody's gay, married, locked up or having kids. It's so freaking annoying. Let's add to the fact that the dude I like, wants "time". What does that mean?! I know I'm not perfect but if you can't handle me at my worst, why should you talk to me at my best? It's so freaking stupid to not talk to me about things that I've done that annoy you and you just chose to freeze me out.
Yes I'm mad.
At least my hair's growing but b/c I'm in the 252, everybody has decided it's nappy and I need to do something about it. Fuck that. I'm just tired of it all really. -_-
Ci

Fashion and Lesi + randomness

Sooo.
I don't do fashion. Like I really have no style sense so if you see me, I'm in jeans and a shirt. Something comfortable. I mean, I've never had time to do anything else sooooo here goes.
2011
I'm trying new things. One of these things will be my fashion choices. No more of all one color & more things that fit my personality so no more plain ish just more stuff that fits me. Like bright things that catch your eye but not OUTRAGEOUS stuff....I'm also working on my anger & communication issues b/c if I don't, I'm going to blow a few people up.
That chick.
She keeps trying me. Like tryna insinuate that I'd want her sloppy seconds? That I'm as grimy as she? Nope. Ima bitch among a few other things but there's no way in hell that I'd do that to someone I'd called my bestie. Fuck that! But aye, I said what I said and I'm moving on.
Love life.
Up in the air. I'm a control freak who doesn't really communicate well and he's a laid back dude who doesn't see my need to freak out over everything. He says don't change but if I don't, I'll be a mess and no body wants a mess! *sigh* I'm trying to do better tho.

Single girl life

There's reasons why I'm single and they usually involve dudes. Here's an example.
"I miss you."
"Really? Come see me."
"Ok."
Never happens. Really sick of shit like this. I mean, I'm not perfect but I wish that one guy wasn't like the rest of em and actually showed an interest in who I was. Things would go so much smoothly. *sigh* over it.

Sick of trying

Short one: I'm sick of trying w/ the whole "romance thing" it's annoying and stupid. Done!

Ok

So I should be paying attention. But I kind of despise this class sooooo....
UPDATE TIME
First off, my life has been V E R Y hectic. I have a job (seasonal but I'm hoping it'll become long term) and classes have been kicking my ever loving ass and I'm trying this new thing called talking to somebody lol. This shit is crazy! I have had like zero time for basically anything not related to school including writing, doing my hair, or blogging.
I did an open mic and I think I did ok. A lil nervous but I have stage fright. More importantly: I'M EXPERIENCING THE WORST BREAKAGE EVER!!! My hair is just like "Fuck you! I'm breaking the hell off!" Sadly, I think it's my twists. So for now, I'm going to actually flat iron my hair for a while and see what happens b/c I hate detangling and having CLUMPS of hair come out of my head. It makes me cry for myself and poor defenseless BabyLove.
As for the whole relationship thing, Skittles (yes I know how INCREDIBLY homo that sounds) is still here. Seriously ya'll, I am like the WORST person to ever try and get to talk about her feelings and for some reason, I end up telling him. -_- But it's cool b/c he actually manages to calm me down and make me think bout shit.
Lately though, I've just been drained. Like, I don't know how I started thinking about it but everyday it seems like I've been dwelling on the thought of losing those closest to me and I don't really ever want to lose people anymore so I push them away. That's one part of my block and the other comes from a female I used to be cool with actually saying I'm grimy for being cool with a dude she used to talk to. Like I don't talk to you and you don't talk to him but I wouldn't be grimy enough to start fucking with someone you fucked with. I'm mean not grimy. *sigh* females. I let that get in my way to the point that I just almost shut down and walked away from everything. It's a mess but it's life. But I'm back and I know what I need to do to thrive from now on. I just hope everyone understands it!
Ci

He is

I don't know how to say it.
He's something I never expected to have. I mean, I've done WAY bad things but he somehow makes me feel like I deserve to be happy again. I haven't felt that way in a long ass time.
I like the way he kisses me and holds me.
It's weird b/c any other guy woulda been turned off by the fact I still have my v-card but he........he's something different. No pressure just hugs that are awesome and kisses that make me smile. I love how he can do something that makes me smile. Like kiss me when I'm sad or hold me when I've had an off day. Texts from him always make me smile.
I'm scared.
It's my usual fear of someone I like walking away but it's also the fact that he's a great guy. I don't wanna hurt him or have him decide he can't deal with the complicatedness that is me. I'm not perfect but can he stand it. I'm hoping he can b/c if he does, I may be with him for a while.
So there's this guy, who I totally like who likes me back. I hope it works because if it does....that'd be perfect.
CiCi

Foolish/Unfoolish

Well excuse me.
I thought I was done talking to and about my ex aka THE ex but apparently not. For everybody who doesn't know, the ex and I have been through hell and back. He was there when my nieces were born, he was there when I remembered by childhood and he was there for every moment that could possibly happen in the life of a young lady. But somehow, we became emotionally abusive to each other and yes, once even physically abusive (I hit him btw). Eventually we parted was but not before he managed to emotionally and possibly physically cheat on me with my 5 year younger cousin. He's two years older than I am. I digress though. This summer, it looked like always + forever were about to get back together and it was gonna be fun times. Sadly it wasn't. This time it got verbally abusive and we stopped before it reached the point of us being together.
He texted me today.
He's leaving for basic I guess and he just wanted to clarify somethings. He said bye and told me he took my pics w/ him. I don't know why though. We weren't talking. I mean deleted off Facebook, Twitter, Skype, etc. No contact then this? I'm confused. I mean it's crazy.
I still love him.
It's that first love shit. He was my everything for such a long time that....I don't know. I just can't talk to him b/c he's just so wrong for me. I want more for myself than to be his wifey or whatever. I mean, engagements are one thing. Weddings are another. It's like I think too much about this and I start remembering the good times. Those times are gone and aren't coming back. I can't afford to backtrack.
I'm done

Lesi on relationships pt 2

I have to be for real and admit that it is mainly my fault I don't do well in relationships. I think I have a few reasons.
1. I don't communicate well- I will literally freeze you out rather than talk and regret it. I just can't deal w/ people saying my faults. I'm working on it b/c if I want to have a boo, I have to learn to communicate w/o any toxic words.
2. I don't like people- quite frankly, most people annoy me. Makes dating sort of hard, don't you think?
3. I am not open- I'm OPEN MINDED but when it comes to relationships, you'll rarely get how I really feel and this comes from my past relationships and hurting people with things I said.
4. My past-I have to let it go and realize not all males are like my exes.
5. My "type"- apparently I have D boy only tatted on me. Who knew?
6. I want too much too fast-self explantory
7. My hair- I'm natural. Not changing that for not one of these lil boys.
8. My personality- I really don't care about too much other than being treated w/ respect and most dudes can't deal w/ that.
I can admit I have relationship-phobia and I probably will for a while. But nobody ever said it was easy being Lesi.

Vent Session: Friendship

If I had a wish
I would go back in time to
Last semester when we became cool
I wouldn't bite my tongue or trip over
Losing a friend
I'd be real and tell you when
Comments you made would hurt to the point
I'd lash out on others and not you.
I'd tell you how when
you made every.single.convo about you in some way,
I stopped telling you things.
How I wondered how you could be so tight with someone
And let one little thing tear it apart.
I'd tell you that it hurt when you were negative about me falling
And it hurt worse than his betrayal.
But see I sucked it up and didn't dwell because aye, we were besties
But now it's to the point where I can't do it anymore
I can't deal with at least 75% of the convo being about you
Ya negativity towards me and others
The fact that everything has to go your way
And the fact that our "friendship"
Our friendship seems to mean so little to you.
I mean I'm far from perfect but when you needed me,
I was there & not those you claim "are down through whatever"
But if you don't care, why should I?
This is one of those times where I let people go and sadly,
you're one of those people

Friendship

Is about willing to compromise and talk like any relationship.

Short and sweet

I miss him. Wish I didn't but aye, I do & that's all there is to it.

Lesi on relationships

I've come to the conclusion that I don't do relationships well. Why? Cause I really don't give a fucx bout most things. If you treat me right and don't b.s., we're good. Most guys don't get that and in fact, hate it. If you wanna go out w/ ya friends, cool. Ima be with my girls and party or w/e. If you wanna watch the game, Ima be there cause you know, I like the game too. Most importantly, I <3 video games. Don't judge me. Honestly, if I could find a dude that's a good dude and don't be on that shit, we good.
I don't know how many times I have to say it though: YOU SHOULD THANK THE EXES FOR MAKING THE DUDE YOU WITH (if he treat you right) THAT DUDE. Don't be a hater and don't be a bitch. She's the reason he's good to you and the reason you're with him. It's just doing too much if you gonna hate b/c she's trying to be happy in a new relationship.
Mainly, don't settle when it comes to a relationship. When he starts treating you like shit, you dip. There's no point in settling for less than you deserve when you deserve to be happy.
Lesi

The two of us

Durn u NSYNC! That song has me thinkng about this dude that I like. So I guess ya'll should be the first to know, ya girl finna get cuffed (had to slip back into my slang for a sec!) which is weird w/ my commitment issues. *sigh* but he may be worth it.
Alesia

Dear Huey

Dear Huey,
You're a good guy and all but I don't think you're right for me. I mean, you can text at 3 in the morning after I CLEARLY said good night but during the day you can't text? Did I mention I had to get up at 7 that day? Did I complain, no b/c like the good person I am, I tried to let it go. But, Huey, we needa stop fooling ourselves. Friends or friends with benefits may not work. Let's be associates.
Alesia'