Who Am I?

For as long as I've posted, I don't ever think I've thought of this question. To myself, I'm simply Candace Alesia'. Smartass, smart, funny, genuine, caring, passionate, crazy, wild, lover of arts. I don't see myself in terms of Democratic or Republican, Black or white, natural, relaxed, etc. I CAN'T deal with myself in terms like that. How do we live in a world that makes us see each other in such terms?
I wonder a lot about religion. I believe in God but does that make me a Christian? If I do, does that mean I condemn others who don't believe in what I do or love how I love? I just wonder....if we say God and Jesus are love, how can we kill in the name of God? How in the world can we live in a world where we condemn people who love the same gender but let child molesters or pedophiles walk the Earth with not convictions? I just don't get it. 
I worry about the future that my nieces will inherit as well as what I'm going to receive when I graduate. How is it that I can't find a job but all these people out here can smoke and drink and lie and have great jobs? I just wonder.
I wonder why I have to be a Greek member of the Elite Eight because Iotas get no love? I'm not trying to conform to someone else ideals of what a woman or a lady is just to not know or personally have a relationship with my Sohors (NOT sisters) just to have an advantage in the end.
In short, I am a woman, a sister, a aunt, a daughter, someone's future wife, an intelligent young lady striving for Christ. I am also Candace Alesia' M. & I will be until I die. 

Life is so frickin complex

So much has changed.
I'm...in a conflicted state. Life has hit me so quickly. I graduate in two months, two days to...nothing. No job offers, no apartment. Nothing. When did all the hard work I put into my future have a reward of nothing? All I can say college has given me lately is stress, drama and headache. Nah, I can't lie. College has done more for me. I got to the chance to figure out what truly makes me happy like mentoring and helping people. I also got a chance to deal with my issues when it comes to relationships.
I'm just concerned.
I don't want to go home because mentally, I've outgrown that. But I can't go anywhere else because I have no money nor a job. I've been applying everywhere but it seems I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to actually being a productive brown skinned woman in society. All society sees is negatives which...makes no sense to me. I'm not pregnant, not in trouble with the law and I'm intelligent. I'm not okay with this.
Maybe I'm right to figure out the goals I want.
I'm thinking about getting my masters in Social Work with a concentration in substance abuse counseling and possibly getting my Ph.D in education so I can open my own school. My school to focus on worldwide history as well as culture and knowledge to make my students competitive on a worldwide scale and not just on a national level. To do this though, I need money. Which means job. Which means someone willing to take a chance on me. I'm just ready for all the rest of this to be shown.
My faith is waning.
This is my main problem. Why is it that God allows people who don't care about Him to prosper while I flounder? Maybe I'm tripping and this is all a test which wouldn't surprise me. I'm just tired of being tested. I'm tired of people assuming my Blackness is based on dumb things like pledging a Greek org which is stupid. Why is my identity tied to an org that doesn't care about me in the long run? I'm tired of dealing with people who assume womanhood is tied to my vagina. It's not. I can be a woman without giving every Tom, Dick and Harry the pleasure of my vagina. I don't have to be a ho and risk my future over nothings. I'm just over the complexities of life.

Have I outgrown my hair?

I really love my hair. I do. But honestly, I'm over having to style it and it seems to be stuck at an awkward length. It's such a bother to have to constantly do and detangle and figure out. UGH!!! Maybe I've outgrown my natural hair and need a break from it for a while. Like a long while. Maybe a weave, wig or braids or something. It just has to be nice to keep a professional look while I'm job hunting. I....just...don't know.

Grr

Since everywhere else I want to post to can be found so easily, I decided to use this one being that no one really checks it.
I'm tired of the constant run around when all I want is someone to hold me and love me. Is that too much to ask?

Ugh

While reading Necolebitchie.com I got really upset. Why? B/c as usual, black people are being stupid & stuck on the outside color. Why does it matter about dark skin vs. light skin? We're all people. The comments were ridiculous. http://necolebitchie.com/2011/04/15/selita-ebanks-solange-knowles-cassie-new-faces-of-carols-daughter/#more-129385<----that's the link to the comments smh.

See what had happened was

Hi ya'll!
OK I've been stupid busy lately which is why, unless you're following me on twitter or have my facebook info, you haven't heard much if anything from me. Between arguing with my parents about an apartment, job hunting, school, relationship ish, roommate shade & being a secretary in an organization, I just haven't had much of a minute to sit down and write. I haven't even written a poem in a few weeks. & not only is my creativity suffering, my hair is too. Like today when I went to wash my hair, the amount of hair that was taken out was depressing and I know it's because my schedule hasn't offered much time to do anything to my hair & since I don't detangle unless I'm planning on wearing my hair out but I've been wearing it out anyway and not protecting it, my BabyLove is suffering.
So as I write, I have a cholesterol treatment in. Hopefully it'll help. When I'm done with my washing session, def plan to wear twists for a few weeks because I just don't have time to do much else & I can't keep letting my hair suffer! But I also have to do a trim which'll happen next week & I'll put up pics.
Loves,
Ci

Lesi in the city

Ok this is my friends & I doing our Sensation bonding night lol. This is not the whole group but I def love my hair better in this pic. The lady on my right in the white is a transitioning natural & the lady on my left is in love w/ the creamy crack! Gotta love Pantene ® b/c without them, this soft and long lasting twistout wouldn’t have been possible (don’t judge my phrasing).

Deuce!

Ci

Randomness

OK so I've been busy yet again but you can keep up with me through @Dimplez_252 on twitter or lesisworld.tumblr.com. *Shameless plugs over*
Whelp, not too much to say other than, I've noticed significant growth. 

That was my big chop 1/10/10

This summer

& that was like yesterday. So yeah growth!

I bacccckkkk!

Ok so I've been busy with school. Like crazy busy studying, reading etc all in the quest of getting great grades. And the little bit of free time I have is for my friends, tumblr, boyfriend, twitter or something. It's like ugh! I so tired. :( But it's ok. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. I'm getting my priorities back in order though so I'm happy.
Yes my hair suffered for this crazy lifestyle I live but aye, it's growing back even though I have weird growth to begin with. It's it straight tho b/c I'm getting better and I'm doing a hair challenge so it'll get better. I still hate water though (I have to drink a lot now to be in this challenge :()
But yeah, this boyfriend character. Nope, not Skittles, July or anybody else. He's my Fattie (yes, I'm aware how crazy my nicknames for these guys are!)

gotta <3 it lol. 

Ci

Busy

I've been running around a freaking week doing stuff for various clubs and homework and of course my late night oovoo chats (which I'm not going to talk about for a while yet.) Bday weekend was fun even though one of my friends is mad b/c she thinks we left her out intentionally when we really didn't. :( But I'll leave it in God's hands along w/ my little sis who is missing again. *sigh* I love ya'll I do but it's stressful as hell when everything seems to go wrong at once! But I'm letting it go & praying on it.
Job hunt is back on so I can get off this campus.
My hair is growing! Right now it's in mini twists & has been for like a week. Next week will be the take down. I'm thinking I'm going to flat iron it or something for about 2 to 4 weeks to give it a break from twists and prevent damage. Pics to follow later.
Ok so this update thing didn't really work but I'll do a video one later when I actually have time & I'm not about to starve!
Loves,
Ci

Rules for respect pt 1

So as I recap the bday weekend, I've realized a few things.
Dudes who want p u  s s y will NOT hit you up on your birthday if they aren't around you because they sense it's pointelss.
Case 1, dude who was supposed to be my birthday date, got stuck home and in the end, didn't even text me to say happy birthday. But if he had gotten down here, he would've def been like, "Happy birthday boo!"
Case 2, a dude who likes me but who I find like intensely revolting, hit me up asking me to stay the night after I made a tweet about my hormones being fucked up. Like dude, I don't wanna be around you. Your voice annoys me and your face? Makes me wanna drink to see if you look better. I know that's mean but it's true.
But in both of these cases, I've put myself out there like that. I mean, I told old dude to be my bday date so I guess he thought it was gonna pop off and I stayed w/ dude in case 2 b/c I was bored. If I want a dude to respect me, I gotta let em know from the get go, it ain't like that. I thought I did but I guess I hadn't. But here's a few rules about respecting a female.
1. Don't treat her like an offbrand bitch that you only wanna fuck. If you like her, treat her with respect.
2. If she says she wants to take it slow, do not play w/ her while she sleep. She will punch you in her "sleep".
3. Any calls to stay after 11 pm are for booty calls. We are not stupid. We know this.
4. Think about this: treat a female like you'd want your mom, sister, niece, fav cousin, etc treated b/c if you don't, KARMA!
5. Be honest
6. If you're honest w/ a female and it doesn't work out, 99% of the time, y'all will be the best of friends b/c she'll appreciate you.
That's it for now. & yes, I'll be updating it soon.
Ci

The bday weekend

So my birthday weekend (Friday @ 4 pm until now) was fun as hell. I just wish my sister Ashley was somewhere that we could pinpoint her ass, my sister Kiyda had made it and my bestie had made it. Otherwise, it was perfect (& I didn't get much of anything for my bday).
I love having friends who are there for me through whatever. It makes me feel so blessed b/c I actually know I matter. I'm gonna try to make my 20s as nice as they possibly can b/c the past 5 years have been crazy as hell and I just need to let it go and rest.
My wisdom teeth hurt like hell and pics shall be posted later!
Smooches!
Ci

It's my bday!

Today is my 20th bday! Wow! Time has flown! & while I'm not quite where I wanna be in life, I'm getting there. Shoutout to all my friends and fam that have supported me up to this day and will continue to do so!
Ci

Wifey Type

My view on relationships.
Ok, first things first: if we're talking, we're basically together so why go talking to other females? Yeah, you knew I wasn't enough. If you have an issue w/ how I am, then tell me. Don't "take time" & it only end w/ u talking to someone else b/c you knew you were doing that the whole time. If you just wanna be friends, just be friends and don't let it go any further.
If you're in a relationship, there's no need to advertise your relationship on social networks b/c that'll wreck it. I mean saying wifey and hubby every two weeks to a new dude or girl is lame and annoying. Plus it makes you look like a ho or a dumbass.
In short, a relationship is between two people or if you take it global, use nicknames b/c otherwise, it'll just blow up.
Also, the wifey type. A wifey is that chick that'll go to hell and back for you no matter what. She is your ride or die & supports you when everyone else, walks out on you. She loves you for you no matter what has happened, will happen and may happen and she prays you up to receive your blessings b/c she knows when you're blessed, she's blessed & while ya'll may not stay together forever, she'll still love you.
Ci

Left in the dust

He said he loved me
But at the first sign of a true test,
he ran so fast, the words
skid marks couldn't describe how he left my heart.
And now?
Now, it's supposed to be all ok because aye,
I'm supposed to forgive and forget and move on.
Now hold up!
When did he get me now confused with me then?
Cuz the ride or die chick he left stuck on stupid,
uh, she don't live here anymore
He's just one more in the dust.
He said he needed me.
Life without me wasn't complete and that the wifey type was what he needed.
Nah, bruh, what you needed was someone to care of you and that...ain't me.
Who am I to tell you wtf to do with your life?
I haven't figured my damn self out so how am I supposed to know you?
Put down ya excuses and the fact you slang for a living.
Pick up a book and let ya past go cuz it ain't worth it
Wondering how life coulda been, looking thru cell bars.
Another one left in the dust.
He said he wanted all of me
And then wondered why I laughed and said he'd be gone by layer two.
Baby, I'm complex and the words booby trapped?
They were made to describe my heart.
So now I'm here trying to hide how I feel with my friends
Pitying me which I fucking hate.
I shoulda stuck to how I wanted it to be
A mild flirtation on twitter.
3 cases of someone left in the dust but most importantly,
3 cases of a heart that refuses to give a fuck cause it's simpler not to.
Crazy right?

Random thoughts

I don't understand why I can't get this person outta my mind. Like I'd love to never think about him again but it's like I can't & I fucking hate it. I just don't know what I wanna do about this anymore cause there's dudes out here that would like me for who I am but honestly, they ain't who I want.
Confused,
Ci

Cici's back!

Life is crazy.

Let’s see. First off happy belated New Year to everybody. I’ve been MIA b/c the house computer hates me and I live in the boonies so no wifi so I’ve been sadly without my lovely Internet and my blogs. I’ll prolly be back in school by the time I post this so let’s get a quick catch up.

First up, my worst fear (of like 2 years lol) of my cousin and my ex fucking and dating was true. It’s crazy cause like if either one had bothered to tell me, I coulda let go hella faster rather than having to look at two people I love like fuck me over. But now, I really could give two fucks cause there was never a need to lie.

Second, apparently, my bestie and I are marked for like a damn threesome cause whenever I come home, dudes are trying smash us both. Neither of us like to share & I’m still a virgin so that’d be weird as hell lol. But nice tries my dudes!

Third, Skittles and I aren’t talking like that anymore. I’m a complex person that I guess most people can’t deal with and they need simpler and I’m not simple. Like I can try as hard as I want and change for a minute but then I’m gonna go back to doing me cause I can’t live a lie. I mean, lately, it’s been harder than ever to just let go but I have to. No way around it. I think it’s lying up late at night and thinking about convos we had or him coming to surprise me and make me feel better. I’ll miss it but aye, we both need to be happy.

Fourth, the Twitter group I was in? Not anymore! I wanted to leave for like 2 weeks before I stopped repping as hard as I was. I just wasn’t feeling being mean to random people anymore or being called a ho or w/e. I mean, I can be a bitch but only to those who deserve it. That’s just how I am.

I’ll be natural for a year on the 10^th! Yay!

As for this new year, I guess it’s time to make some changes. I mean, I can’t deal with basic bitches anymore cause I don’t have patience anymore. Fakeness, bullshit, drama, etc all of it can stay on TV and leave me the hell alone! I’m bout to be 20 fucking years old and I can’t keep dealing with shit like a 16 year old would. So here’s my toast to this year: let there be happiness, great times, awesome people, love, romance and just general ups moreso than downs this year. Let it be as awesome and great as it can be because one way or another, it’s gotta be.

Love and peace,

Ci

Stuck in the middle....without you

I'm stuck in hell.
Really there's nothing to do here back in the 252 and I'm here til Jan 8th. SOOOO ready to leave. It's like everybody's gay, married, locked up or having kids. It's so freaking annoying. Let's add to the fact that the dude I like, wants "time". What does that mean?! I know I'm not perfect but if you can't handle me at my worst, why should you talk to me at my best? It's so freaking stupid to not talk to me about things that I've done that annoy you and you just chose to freeze me out.
Yes I'm mad.
At least my hair's growing but b/c I'm in the 252, everybody has decided it's nappy and I need to do something about it. Fuck that. I'm just tired of it all really. -_-
Ci

Fashion and Lesi + randomness

Sooo.
I don't do fashion. Like I really have no style sense so if you see me, I'm in jeans and a shirt. Something comfortable. I mean, I've never had time to do anything else sooooo here goes.
2011
I'm trying new things. One of these things will be my fashion choices. No more of all one color & more things that fit my personality so no more plain ish just more stuff that fits me. Like bright things that catch your eye but not OUTRAGEOUS stuff....I'm also working on my anger & communication issues b/c if I don't, I'm going to blow a few people up.
That chick.
She keeps trying me. Like tryna insinuate that I'd want her sloppy seconds? That I'm as grimy as she? Nope. Ima bitch among a few other things but there's no way in hell that I'd do that to someone I'd called my bestie. Fuck that! But aye, I said what I said and I'm moving on.
Love life.
Up in the air. I'm a control freak who doesn't really communicate well and he's a laid back dude who doesn't see my need to freak out over everything. He says don't change but if I don't, I'll be a mess and no body wants a mess! *sigh* I'm trying to do better tho.

Single girl life

There's reasons why I'm single and they usually involve dudes. Here's an example.
"I miss you."
"Really? Come see me."
"Ok."
Never happens. Really sick of shit like this. I mean, I'm not perfect but I wish that one guy wasn't like the rest of em and actually showed an interest in who I was. Things would go so much smoothly. *sigh* over it.